i keep trying to fix the wrong thing
I’m sitting here crying.
Not because of what happened today — but because of how I’m reacting to statements lately.
Because I’m starting to see a pattern in myself that I don’t like.
My reactions.
My mindset.
My responses.
My coping mechanisms.
And it’s uncomfortable to admit that.
i keep trying to fix the wrong thing
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, hurt, frustrated, or triggered, I always do the same thing.
I go into grind mode.
I go into isolation mode.
I go into “work out like crazy” mode.
I go into “fix everything externally” mode.
Like if I can just improve my body, my discipline, my productivity, my output — everything will magically get better.
But the truth is…
That’s no healing.
That’s avoidance.
That’s me trying to upgrade my life without upgrading my mindset.
And that shit does not work.
my reactions are the real problem
Here’s the part that hit me the hardest:
My reactions are based on old patterns.
Old fears.
Old coping skills.
Old defense mechanisms.
Old survival responses.
Not who I am now.
Not who I want to be.
Not who I’m becoming.
And I’m realizing that I can’t keep responding to adult situations with child responses.
I hate even writing that.
Because I’m almost 40 years old — and sometimes I still react emotionally instead of intentionally.
I shut down. I freeze. I get defensive. I get quiet. I get overwhelmed. I struggle to get my words out. I avoid. I isolate.
Honestly, I’m tired of the same old shit.
It’s repetitive and juvenile
I want more and better
So that means the work is up to ME
It’s like a coping mechanism I never outgrew.
And seeing that in myself is painful.
“From afar, both people look foolish.”
Have you ever heard that saying?
If you see two people arguing from afar, they both look like fools.
That’s exactly how I feel right now.
Not because either parties are wrong or right
But because I don’t like how I’m showing up in moments of pressure.
I don’t like my emotional discipline.
I don’t like my reactions.
I don’t like my impulse responses.
I don’t like how fast I get overwhelmed.
And I’m realizing:
You can’t grow into a better version of yourself if you keep protecting the old version.
i keep trying to change my discipline instead of my environment
I keep trying to fix discipline.
Discipline my body.
Discipline my routine.
Discipline my schedule.
Discipline my productivity.
But I’m realizing I need to change:
my environment
my mindset
my emotional responses
my triggers
my reactions
Because those are the things I can control.
Not other people.
Not outcomes.
Not situations.
Just me.
i want more, and i have to become more
I say I want to be:
a content creator
a better mom
a better assistant principal
a better leader
a better woman
a more disciplined person
a more grounded person
But wanting it isn’t enough.
Becoming it requires internal work, not just external grind.
Not just gym sessions.
Not just productivity.
Not just isolation.
Not just “self-improvement aesthetics.”
But emotional maturity.
Self-regulation.
Self-awareness.
Accountability.
Intentional responses.
That’s the real work.
i’m standing at a crossroads
And I’m being honest with myself:
I’m at a standstill.
I’m listening to Atomic Habits.
I’m listening to Mel Robbins.
I’m consuming growth content.
I’m journaling.
I’m reflecting.
And now I’m standing at a real decision point:
Do I actually change my mindset…
Or do I keep repeating the same cycles and expect a different result?
Because that’s insanity, right?
Same reactions.
Same patterns.
Same responses.
Same emotional habits.
Same triggers.
Different year.
Same behavior.
the flaw isn’t failure — it’s refusal to change
Here’s the truth I’m sitting with:
My flaws aren’t the problem.
Refusing to work on them is.
Everyone has flaws.
Everyone has patterns.
Everyone has trauma.
Everyone has triggers.
But growth starts when you stop pretending yours don’t exist.
I don’t want to be perfect.
I want to be aware.
I don’t want to be numb.
I want to be regulated.
I don’t want to be reactive.
I want to be intentional.
final truth
I can’t keep fixing the outside and ignoring the inside.
I can’t keep grinding and avoiding.
I can’t keep changing routines without changing reactions.
If I want different results, I have to become a different version of myself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually — not just physically and professionally.
So yeah.
Right now, the work isn’t in the gym.
The work isn’t the schedule.
The work isn’t the grind.
The work is me.
My mindset.
My environment.
My reactions.
My discipline.
My emotional regulation.
Because that’s where real change starts.
— shaybleu